Month: January 2013

21 Days Happiness Challenge – Day 2

Give Gold Stars

21-DayChallenge-BlogPhotoToday’s resolution suggests that you “Give gold stars.” If you’re like me, you may think a lot about wanting gold stars, but in a happy relationship, giving gold stars turns out to be very important, too.

If you tried this resolution, did it boost your feelings of gratitude and tenderness?

Did it make a difference to your happiness?

I do say nice things to the boyfriend when he helps me clean or make dinner. I tell him he did a good job, and I really mean it. It means a lot to me when he helps, when we do things together in our apartment. It’s not a girls job to clean and cook and wash the laundry (if she also works 40+ hours a week).
And seeing that I really appreciate when the Lover helps, I tell him 🙂

Fibroadenoma Part two

I just got back from the radiologist.

She made another sonography of my boobies and good news – the tumor in the left breast didn’t grow! Still the same size, still the same sharp edges.
She said it looks like a good tumor, a fibroadenoma. To be 100% sure I could have a biopsy – she said I should sleep over it and think about it, which I will do. It’s not necessary in her opinion. My next appointment with her is in six months (August – they’re full until then!) and I’ll make another appointment in 2-3 months with my gynecologist. The Fibroadenoma needs to be monitored.
I was soooo nervous today. My biggest concern was that the tumor changed – that it grew, that the edges aren’t so sharp anymore. I could hardly look at the screen when she was doing the sonography and I am so relieved now. I’m so happy I can enjoy my birthday, which is in two days. Can’t wait to celebrate, seeing my Christmas was full of tears (I got the diagnosis on dec. 21st and was so worried).

I named my tumor Tammy. Tammy the Tumor. Now I will enjoy my yoga class 🙂

21 Day Happiness Challenge – Day 1

Kiss in the Morning, Kiss at Night
21-DayChallenge-BlogPhotoToday’s resolution suggests that you “Kiss in the morning, kiss at night.” If kissing isn’t appropriate in your situation, you might substitute a hug, or make other efforts to show a bit more physical affection than you might otherwise do.

How does this resolution sound to you? If you tried it, did it come naturally, or did it feel forced?
Did it make a difference to your happiness?

This is something the Boyfriend and I do, or try to do, on a daily basis anyway. Most of the times it comes naturally, sometimes it feels forced, for example when I’m very very tired at night and the he comes close with his kiss-mouth and wants a smooch. But, it makes me happy when I can make my boyfriend happy 🙂

New Billy

I went to IKEA to buy a white 80cmx202cm Billy for our guest room today. Got it home, painted the back in a silverish grey and built it together. I got an extra extension for the Billy beginning of the week from a guy who offered it in the newspaper for free. The white is a bit different but who cares – I didn’t have to pay for that extra space 🙂

IKEA Billy
Billy

I also put a crown molding on the top. The boyfriend and I are both happy that we have a new place for our (mostly his) books 🙂
It fits great to our new couch (which arrived yesterday) and the little billy, which we bought around two weeks ago.
Couch & Billy
Couch & Billy

The fear of not knowing

So, on dec. 21st 12 I had an appointment with my gyn.

Just a regular examination, which I have twice a year. This time I asked for an ultrasonography, seeing I have pain in my left breast every once in a while and, the main reason, because an online friend of mine was diagnosed with breastcancer at the age of 30 (my age). It doesn’t run in her family (neither in mine) so that got me worried.

I examine my chest once a month (one week after my period) and never feel anything noticeable.
So, during the sonography, my left breast showed a black spot. I was laying there, watching the screen, didn’t know what to think. I never had a sonography of my chest and didn’t know if that’s normal or not. My doctor examined that spot quite a long time so I figured that can’t be normal.

She told me the black spot looks like a typical Fibroadenoma, it’s 5mm x 3mm (too small to feel), it’s hard and not supplied with blood. It has hard lines. So, meaning, a good tumor. She tried to tell me that I shouldn’t worry, that it really does look like a fibroadenoma and that the chances of it being cancer are so low etc… but she also said “oh, I think I cannot say anything because of your friend, you’re stigmatized”.

She gave me the phone number and address of a radiologist so that I can get a second opinion. She said I should get a mammography and another sonography. If I wanted, I could get a biopsy right away as well. I should think about it.

So, you can imagine, friday dec. 21st in the afternoon is the worst day to get a diagnosis like that. EVERY DOCTOR in the country is closed the next one or two weeks. They’re on their well deserved Christmas Vacation.

I got home on Friday eve and the first thing I did was cried. I didn’t wish for something like that.
And then I googled. I have my sonography-photos so I looked at a lot of sonography photos of good and bad breast tumors on google images. My little black thing does look like a good one, but still, I don’t know for sure yet.

The first week after the sonography I was quite miserable, cried a lot, couldn’t stop thinking about it, always kept touching my breast.
I always called the radiologist but nobody answered. Finally, on dec. 27, somebody did! My appointment for the second examination is on January 17th (two days before my birthday), one week after my period.

I was pretty good the last weeks, didn’t worry too much about it, but today it’s horrible again. I don’t know if it’s because the appointment is coming closer and closer (so scared and nervous) or if it’s my hormones. One time my brain thinks “it’ll be a good lump”, one minute later I think “What if it’s cancer. What if the doctor can’t see if it’s good or bad! Then I still won’t know what it is. Then I’ll have to have a biopsy (I don’t want a mammography because I’ve read too much negative about it the past months)”.

Then I get this weird feeling in my tummy area and I get worked up on those thoughts.

It’s the not knowing and the time, until you know, that drives me crazy.

Right away when I came home on the 21st and told my parents, my mom grabbed me and said “don’t drive yourself crazy now, I know you like to do that, but try not to.” … it’s hard to try not too. I’m a person who worries immediately and I always assume the worst. Also if a family member is sick I worry way too much.

It feels good to write this down.